Let me share some personal info. It is
a bit hard to put out there but I feel it's important to this story.
For as long as I can remember I have dealt with blues, or 'low
mood' as some call it. It is not something I am ashamed of admitting
but I do think diagnosing people with clinical depression (which I
have never been) and prescribing meds for it is WAY overdone. I have
my own theories about why it seems to be such a wide-spread problem.
My main hypothesis is that we, as individuals, have been sold the
idea we can be or do whatever we want. So when we aren't fulfilling
our dreams or making millions we feel like failures. I also think in
our industrial, commercial age, we have far too much time on our
hands to think about things and ponder our 'purpose' in life. The
reason I am sharing this is because since leaving on my journey there
had only been one day where I felt a bit lost and wondered what the
hell I am doing....until this past Friday evening.
I arrived in Flagstaff on Friday and
felt that lost feeling again. I wasn't sure which direction to head
in. The nights are getting much colder so heading north to Utah,
which is what I wanted, seemed like it may not be a good idea. I sat
on the floor of the van for hours, drinking coffee and not doing much
else but staring into space. I called a few people to get connected
again with home. It was great to hear their voices but it made me
feel more lonely in the end. Looking at the map I decided to stop
being a wimp and head north to the Grand Canyon first. It was on my
way and I wanted to see some places I missed when I was there last
May.
I made it to Sunset Crater but the sun
had already set. I pulled over where another RV was parked and crawled into
bed for the night. We were asleep early and therefor up at the crack
of dawn. It's always great waking up and seeing the place I've parked
in the daylight. I was surrounded my mountains and the air was crisp.
Sunset Crater is a dormant volcano that erupted a long time ago
leaving the landscape forever changed. Okie was not allowed on the
trail over the lava flows so I walked it alone with coffee in hand.
Half way through I stopped and sat in the silence for a while. It was
a wonderful way to start my day and I thought I had beaten the blues.
We arrived at Grand Canyon around 3:30
so I paid for a campsite and made dinner in time to get to the canyon
edge to watch the sunset. I don't know what came over me but as the
sun went down I started to weep. It wasn't because it was the most
beautiful sunset I had ever seen or other tears of joy. I felt an
overwhelming sense, looking out over the vast, slowly darkening
canyon, of how alone I actually am. How little and insignificant. How
far away I am from everyone I love. I made a promise to myself to get
up early and hike a ways down into the canyon.
I woke at the crack of dawn again. What
should have happened next is I spring out of bed all rested and
pumped to get out there but I couldn't make myself get up. This is
one of the things about feeling blue is you have absolutely no energy
to do anything. I laid there making all kinds of excuses about why I
COULDN'T go hiking; I don't have the proper shoes, I don't have a
back-pack to carry provisions, I have nowhere to put Okie for the
day, and so on. I wasted a few hours lying there feeling shitty. Then
I forced myself to get up into the cold air. I walked to the
washrooms with my toothbrush in hand and in my path stood a herd of
elk. They looked so majestic in the rising sunlight. We stood and
looked at each other for a while then they moved on. It was a bit
humbling.
I got us all packed up and headed over
to the back country hiking info office to ask some questions about
proper footwear and such. The man there told me my running sneakers
were fine. What about Okie though? He advised against the kennel
services offered in the park and suggested I do a shorter hike,
leaving her in the van where she would be less terrified and
constrained. What would I carry my water etc in? I remembered I was
given a picnic backpack before I left and if I took all the dishes
out it would work just fine. So, I had no more excuses. I took Okie
for a walk, grabbed a coffee and hopped the bus to the trail head,
arriving at 10:30.
Upon descending, the first woman I
passed asked how I was doing. I said I was good but wished I had
started earlier. Her response was. “well, at least you started”.
She had no idea how true her words were and how much I needed to hear
that. The hike down was amazing and fairly easy but each step I took
downwards would inevitably be a step back up and I knew it would be
an arduous climb. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and the further
down I got the warmer it was. I made it to the first rest area where
I planned to turn around and go back up but I could see the next
point and I wanted to go. I would make a decision to turn around
there but when I arrived I wanted to see what was around the next
bend. If it wasn't for Okie being in the van I would have been gone
for a long, long time.
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| half way to turning point |
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| view at lunch break |
On my agonizing climb back up I met
Joe. He's a 23 year old who works in the canyon, hiking the trails to
manage the compost toilets placed in the canyon. We hiked up to
the first landing together and chatted about the usual things; where
are you from? Where are you going? Etc. He then extended an
invitation to stay in one of the cabins back at his living quarters.
The rest of his crew were laid off for the season and he was the only
one left. I had planned on leaving the canyon that evening but the
best thing about traveling the way I do is I can always change my
mind. I accepted. I made us some supper and we drank beer and shared
travel stories. He has now gone off on a two day hike into the canyon
for work and left me here to do laundry, wash my dishes, cook, take a
shower and basically help myself to whatever I want. It doesn't
escape me the way things turned out. Because I pushed myself to go,
because the man suggested a different trail, because I left so late I
met Joe and ended up having a great night and now have a little
cabin, with heat no less, to hang out in all by myself. It amazes me
that I eventually seem to get what I need with a little bit of
pushing on my part.
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| my own cabin |
It's common knowledge that exercise is
one of the best things for getting your serotonin pumping and I can
tell you it's true. I am feeling like myself again and am so proud of
myself for pushing through the feelings I would have let overcome me
in the past. People who don't have problems with the blues don't
really get it and I'm happy they don't. I am lucky that mine is
manageable but it takes work on my part to keep it under control.
There are so many amazing things in my life I have no reason to spend
time wallowing in any kind of self-pity. So, if you ever find
yourself feeling lazy and unable to push yourself, do it! You'll feel
so much better in the end. I know I do.
