Pushing myself.

Let me share some personal info. It is a bit hard to put out there but I feel it's important to this story. For as long as I can remember I have dealt with blues, or 'low mood' as some call it. It is not something I am ashamed of admitting but I do think diagnosing people with clinical depression (which I have never been) and prescribing meds for it is WAY overdone. I have my own theories about why it seems to be such a wide-spread problem. My main hypothesis is that we, as individuals, have been sold the idea we can be or do whatever we want. So when we aren't fulfilling our dreams or making millions we feel like failures. I also think in our industrial, commercial age, we have far too much time on our hands to think about things and ponder our 'purpose' in life. The reason I am sharing this is because since leaving on my journey there had only been one day where I felt a bit lost and wondered what the hell I am doing....until this past Friday evening.

I arrived in Flagstaff on Friday and felt that lost feeling again. I wasn't sure which direction to head in. The nights are getting much colder so heading north to Utah, which is what I wanted, seemed like it may not be a good idea. I sat on the floor of the van for hours, drinking coffee and not doing much else but staring into space. I called a few people to get connected again with home. It was great to hear their voices but it made me feel more lonely in the end. Looking at the map I decided to stop being a wimp and head north to the Grand Canyon first. It was on my way and I wanted to see some places I missed when I was there last May. 

I made it to Sunset Crater but the sun had already set. I pulled over where another RV was parked and crawled into bed for the night. We were asleep early and therefor up at the crack of dawn. It's always great waking up and seeing the place I've parked in the daylight. I was surrounded my mountains and the air was crisp. Sunset Crater is a dormant volcano that erupted a long time ago leaving the landscape forever changed. Okie was not allowed on the trail over the lava flows so I walked it alone with coffee in hand. Half way through I stopped and sat in the silence for a while. It was a wonderful way to start my day and I thought I had beaten the blues.

We arrived at Grand Canyon around 3:30 so I paid for a campsite and made dinner in time to get to the canyon edge to watch the sunset. I don't know what came over me but as the sun went down I started to weep. It wasn't because it was the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen or other tears of joy. I felt an overwhelming sense, looking out over the vast, slowly darkening canyon, of how alone I actually am. How little and insignificant. How far away I am from everyone I love. I made a promise to myself to get up early and hike a ways down into the canyon.

I woke at the crack of dawn again. What should have happened next is I spring out of bed all rested and pumped to get out there but I couldn't make myself get up. This is one of the things about feeling blue is you have absolutely no energy to do anything. I laid there making all kinds of excuses about why I COULDN'T go hiking; I don't have the proper shoes, I don't have a back-pack to carry provisions, I have nowhere to put Okie for the day, and so on. I wasted a few hours lying there feeling shitty. Then I forced myself to get up into the cold air. I walked to the washrooms with my toothbrush in hand and in my path stood a herd of elk. They looked so majestic in the rising sunlight. We stood and looked at each other for a while then they moved on. It was a bit humbling.

I got us all packed up and headed over to the back country hiking info office to ask some questions about proper footwear and such. The man there told me my running sneakers were fine. What about Okie though? He advised against the kennel services offered in the park and suggested I do a shorter hike, leaving her in the van where she would be less terrified and constrained. What would I carry my water etc in? I remembered I was given a picnic backpack before I left and if I took all the dishes out it would work just fine. So, I had no more excuses. I took Okie for a walk, grabbed a coffee and hopped the bus to the trail head, arriving at 10:30.

Upon descending, the first woman I passed asked how I was doing. I said I was good but wished I had started earlier. Her response was. “well, at least you started”. She had no idea how true her words were and how much I needed to hear that. The hike down was amazing and fairly easy but each step I took downwards would inevitably be a step back up and I knew it would be an arduous climb. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and the further down I got the warmer it was. I made it to the first rest area where I planned to turn around and go back up but I could see the next point and I wanted to go. I would make a decision to turn around there but when I arrived I wanted to see what was around the next bend. If it wasn't for Okie being in the van I would have been gone for a long, long time. 

half way to turning point

view at lunch break

On my agonizing climb back up I met Joe. He's a 23 year old who works in the canyon, hiking the trails to manage the compost toilets placed in the canyon. We hiked up to the first landing together and chatted about the usual things; where are you from? Where are you going? Etc. He then extended an invitation to stay in one of the cabins back at his living quarters. The rest of his crew were laid off for the season and he was the only one left. I had planned on leaving the canyon that evening but the best thing about traveling the way I do is I can always change my mind. I accepted. I made us some supper and we drank beer and shared travel stories. He has now gone off on a two day hike into the canyon for work and left me here to do laundry, wash my dishes, cook, take a shower and basically help myself to whatever I want. It doesn't escape me the way things turned out. Because I pushed myself to go, because the man suggested a different trail, because I left so late I met Joe and ended up having a great night and now have a little cabin, with heat no less, to hang out in all by myself. It amazes me that I eventually seem to get what I need with a little bit of pushing on my part.

my own cabin

It's common knowledge that exercise is one of the best things for getting your serotonin pumping and I can tell you it's true. I am feeling like myself again and am so proud of myself for pushing through the feelings I would have let overcome me in the past. People who don't have problems with the blues don't really get it and I'm happy they don't. I am lucky that mine is manageable but it takes work on my part to keep it under control. There are so many amazing things in my life I have no reason to spend time wallowing in any kind of self-pity. So, if you ever find yourself feeling lazy and unable to push yourself, do it! You'll feel so much better in the end. I know I do.

What I've learned thus far, part 2...and my first blahs

I've learned that it's hard for me to receive help from people. Ok, I've always known that but with the situation I'm in and the Barter Van idea I have to swallow my pride. I have been looking after myself for so long I've taken on the attitude that I don't need anyone; I can do it all on my own. No man, or woman, is an island and no one gets through life simply relying on themselves. I am learning it's ok to accept help. I am also the type of person who would rather focus on other peoples problems rather than dealing with my own. Recently someone I met made a point of devoting the day to me and anything I want to do. I hadn't realized how hard that was for me to do. Maybe that's why I find it so comfortable to travel alone. That way I can do what I want and not feel guilty about the other person not fulfilling their desires. Then again, I can also be quite selfish. The good thing about being alone for long, and I mean long, periods of time on long stretches of road is I get ample amount of time to reflect on such topics.

Reality isn't so romantic. I dreamed about doing this for so long, especially Route 66, I hadn't realized how dismal parts of it truly are. Most of the time I drive through long stretches of flat farmland until I reach the next town. And when I say town I really mean a few buildings and closed up shops along with the one or two places doing their best to survive off the Routes lasting stigma. Other places don't even try to be part of it with only a couple houses remaining amongst the boarded up shops, motels and gas stations. I am at odds with being happy to find weathered old signs and coming upon the restored places. My creative side always likes finding the neglected but my nostalgia wants to see more restored places. I think my notions of the road trip remain romantic only in my head.

Kansas town restored because of Disney's movie Cars

Sign from motel turned apartment. Like so many along the route.

I remember people asking me why I want to do this and my response was always I want to know what it feels like to be free and see 'what I'm made of'. Reflecting on that, and being a month into my journey I don't think I know exactly what that means. It's true I am free of work and schedules but I still worry every day about my van breaking down and my money diminishing. I have chores and sometimes I think it's harder than when I was pampered with power and hot water at my fingertips. My ultimate goal is still elusive. Is it so I can say I did this? Is it so I don't regret not doing it when I'm old? Is it to return to Nova Scotia with a new body of work to have another exhibition? Is it to be free and see what the world has to offer? I answered yes to all of these questions before I left but the same questions linger...and more. I wonder if I am capable of going all the way across the US and back without succumbing to loneliness or fear of being stranded in the middle of nowhere. Luckily fear and doubt never last long with me and never stops me from doing what I started out to do. I know in the end if I was to quit now it would send me spiraling into a state of regret depression.

I share this now because I want to be completely frank about the ups and downs I experience. So many moments have been amazing and things do seem like they are falling into place but after spending two days driving without really meeting anyone I've become a bit tired and lonely. I decided to check into a motel, get beer and watch tv. I haven't zoned out in front of the tube in a month and it seems like a luxury now. The motel is gross but it was cheap and the woman at the desk was nice. I tried to barter with a few other old motels but there was no takers. I asked to pay a fraction of the cost of a room to just park in the motels lot for the night but was turned down. So many of these old motels have lost their luster and have become seedy places for people to live. I slept poorly thinking about my van and all of its contents. The one saving grace for this stop over, well maybe two, is the mind-numbing television and the guy I met at the car dealership next door. We only spoke for a moment when I went out to get beer and he immediately offered his help with anything I need. I invited him over for a drink but he worked late and had to decline. In the morning he showed up at my door with coffee before he had to return to work. And the kindness of strangers continues.

There are still many things that make me happy. Simple things like having just enough butane left to make coffee or seeing my first stick bug or armadillo. I don't want to leave this post on a bad note but thought it was important to tell the WHOLE story and not just the wonderful parts. Now, as I sit in McDonald's parking lot I am torn between moving on or staying to hang with my new acquaintance. It's always the decision to keep moving or to take an extra day. I am in the town of Will Rogers birthplace and maybe I should take time to visit the museum etc. I guess my next post will tell what I've decided.

Lastly, I want to thank people for taking this journey with me. I know even at the down times I'm not alone. I appreciate the encouragement more than you know and will adjust my attitude back to the free spirited, fun-loving, adventurous person I know I am.

Going with the flow

I entered Ohio two days ago with no plans of anything. A friend at home suggested I visit Serpent Mound in Peebles. I arrived late in the evening and the caretaker told me I had to leave as he was locking the gate. I went back to get my van and sitting next to it was Adam. We chatted for a second and I told him I was off to find a place to sleep. He kindly offered me a spot on his land where he owns a small organic farm. Trusting my gut, and feeling he was of no threat, I followed him. We stayed up for an hour sharing our stories. He needed to be up and gone by 4:45 am to make it to the Saturday market with the goods of his Mennonite neighbors so we said an early good night.

Parked at Adams

 He left the doors open to his house so I could take a shower and make coffee etc. He didn't know it at the time, and neither did I, but he gave me the best gift so far; a day of solitude with three dogs. I ended up staying at his place alone till about 3pm. I made breakfast (with my food), made coffee, had a shower, did my dishes and then went for a walk in the woods with his dogs.

Adams house

Little house as I walk away

I have been asked many times what I want for myself when this adventure is done and my best answer is a house in the country where I have a garden, dogs and a studio to work out of. Hanging at his place on a gorgeous sunny day gave me a little taste of what it would be like. I felt at home.

Serpent Mound

Adam in the white (middle)

In the evening I was invited to camp out near the mound and watch the drum circle. It was Equinox so it's a big deal to many people of a spiritual nature. This kind of thing is completely out of my normal realm but part of this journey is to introduce myself to new things without judgement. I had a great time talking to people and met some great individuals who took a genuine interest in what I am doing. I showed my house off to the curious. I felt welcome and I'm glad I stayed.

What I've learned thus far.

It's almost three weeks since I departed on this crazy journey of mine and there's no shortage of things to learn and adapt to when living in a van full time.

My transition from tiny bachelor apartment to van dwelling wasn't such a big deal. My daily routine stays the same; get up, make coffee and while it perks clean house. Living in such a small space, and being slightly OCD when it comes to organization, makes me have have to keep a tidy abode. There really is no way around that. Plus, if I am ever to be stopped by the police it just looks better.

My toilet is in both my kitchen and my bedroom and that takes some getting used to. I didn't think I would use it that much but I do enjoy not having to go outside in the dark scariness to relieve myself. I have also discovered it's important to remember to empty the campa potti every few days or there's a strange smell of cured meats in my house. (most of you are wincing right now and I don't blame you, but these are the gritty facts)

Without power my fridge is an ice box so I need to buy a bag of ice every day. If I forget the water melts and severe turns cause the water to come pouring out all over the place. This goes for everything else too. Every single item has to be tied down or wedged in or things go flying. Just this morning I took a quick turn and my fridge opened, sending cheese, sandwich meat and potatoes flying. It's a bit of a distraction when you're driving.

Obviously showering, or not showering, is a constant concern. I'm ok with a few days of bird bathing in gas stations or fast food joints but after a while a hot shower is definitely needed. I have been lucky in the last week to have the luxury of staying with people and showering on a regular basis. Back on the road and one day later I'm already missing that which we all take for granted.

Lastly, where to sleep for the night is a concern every time I see the sun disappearing on the horizon. I have pulled over in front of a little cemetery, in broad view in parking lots and sometimes right on the side of the road. Last night was the only time I had a problem. In West Virginia I was feeling rather crappy due to a cold and felt I shouldn't drive any further. I pulled over on the side of the secondary highway I was on and crawled into bed. It was only 8:30pm so I knew I would be up early and back on the road, hopefully feeling less coldish. After about 10 minutes a car pulled over behind me, stayed for a minute then left. A few minutes later a truck pulled over in front of me, then turned around and pulled in back, stayed there for a minute, and left.

It was the first time this kind of thing happened and I got spooked so I drove to the next town. I parked on the road between a lawyers office and the police station thinking it would be safe. Two seconds later another car pulls in behind me and there is a flashlight in my face. You know the saying, "they are as afraid of you as you are of them"? Turns out that's the case here. People were checking me out because I'm a stranger here and called the police. The kind policeman told me people are suspicious because with the way the economy is they want to hang on to whatever they have left. Apparently there is a big problem with stealing in the little town of Ritchie County. He allowed me to park in the police station's lot for the night. When I left in the morning I swear I was followed by a black truck until I was out of town.

Now, I head out towards Ohio with a golf ball sized hole in my exhaust. Hopefully I can find a mechanic who is willing to let me trade for the fix. Let the learning and exploring continue!

Face hits pavement.

Unfortunately, my journey has just hit an abrupt stop. My computer had a virus yesterday so I took it to a computer guy. Ended up having a beer with him and his friends at their place. I got up to use the toilet and must have fainted...HARD! I have never had that happen before but I ended up in the hospital, cat scans and everything else were fine. I broke my nose and have a concussion. I am now being taken great care of by Paul (the computer guy) and am going to stay off the road for a few days. I'm not awake for long periods of time but there's nothing to worry about. I am feeling better all the time. I have great adventures to blog about but you'll have to say tuned.......

Unprepared and out of shape in New Hampshire

*(note. My photoshop has stopped working...please don't judge the quality of theses photos. UGH!)

Yesterday I thought it would be a good idea to go for a hike. You know, get out of the van, get some exercise and be in the nature. I chose a trail in Crawford Notch based on the description of the waterfall there. The trail was called Frankenstein Cliff Trail but apparently I was the only one who was expecting to see a dark and looming cliff in the shape of Frankenstein's head. After hiking straight up for what seemed like days I came to a outlook which was truly breathtaking (but no Frankenstein). I could see all the surrounding mountains and my van was a small white rectangle in the parking lot below. I felt like I accomplished something as I rested at the top of the climb.

I set off to finish the loop back anxiously anticipating the waterfall which was described to me by passers by as 'spectacular'. Every hiker I passed said the next point of interest was 20 minutes away. It would seem that no matter where you were everything was 20 minutes down the path. I adopted this answer when fellow hikers asked about something I had passed. The truth is I had no idea how long I had been walking or how far back things were. The waterfall was short of spectacular but I sat and watched it anyway.

On the way back down I started to wonder if some backwoods murderer/cannibal also had a can of blue spray paint and was marking the trees for a new trail leading to their cabin of death. The path became almost unnavigable and I got slightly lost a couple of times. I must have destroyed hundreds of spiders homes with my face. Finally, out of the woods, I found myself in a parking lot but not the one I parked in. Luckily it was just down the road a ways.

I was an ill prepared city girl wearing jeans and converse with one small bottle of water and an apple. I was tired, hungry and thirsty by the time I was done and felt quite naive about the whole thing. I'll be more prepared for the next hike.

Today my body aches, but it's the good kind of ache where you know you've earned it. I gained a new layer of sweat and dirt on top of my already gross body and this morning the first thing I did was look for a shower. It's the best $2 I've ever spent. I am reminded in the short period of time I've been on the road how pampered we really are. No one thinks about how lucky they are when they stumble into the shower half asleep in the morning and turn on their hot water. Or how in the flick of a switch they have light and power is always available to them. We take these things for granted. Whenever this journey is over I'm sure I will look at these luxuries with more appreciation.